The wealth of nations is built upon the troubles of the individual psyche. - Alain de Botton
Disclaimer:
This article may be triggering to high achievers and ambitious people, including myself. I’d argue, though, it’s always great to challenge our worldviews and, as Scott Fitzgerald famously wrote, try to “hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”
I come from a long lineage of chronic workaholics. There’s a running joke in the family that my dad did, in fact, go on vacation once, for the whole day, on a Thursday, nine years ago.
For as long as I can remember, my schedule has been jam-packed with a zillion things I am excited about. Work is meaningful and a way to express my identity. I enjoy most of what I do for ‘work’, most days of the week, and I love competing with last year’s version of me. I’m always chasing the next dream/project in the pipeline, usually well before being done with the previous one. And I’m constantly striving to be a better partner, sister, daughter, aunt, leader, friend.
But I also get tired, crave to unwind, declutter and reflect in silence, and I reached, long ago, the conclusion that endless hustling shouldn’t be all there is.
It wasn’t a big pivotal moment, a soul-scorching epiphany rising from a massive burnout or something else along those lines (though a story like that would surely make for more tantalizing internet folklore). It was a collection of granular moments, of snapshots and micro-epiphanies that resulted in a whisper-soft, but strong resolve to live a rich life that isn’t limited to just what I do for work, irrespective of how passionate and invigorated I feel by that part of my identity. One of those moments that comes to mind is a memory from childhood. I’m 5-6 years old, and I’m standing in the hallway of our apartment. I reach up on my toes to smell my father’s coat. I want to feel closer to him, as it’s been such a long time since I last spent time with him. The plot twist is that we did live together at the time; but he would often leave before I woke up and come back long after I’d gone to sleep.
Feedback, dichotomies, CEOs and fishermen
A few years ago, I took a Yale course on the Science of Wellbeing. An important part of what I learned was that, lo and behold, the act of savouring and time affluence are huge components of our overall well-being. Stopping and enjoying where you already are. Not being busy. Having a wide-open schedule once in a while.
I noticed the challenge of fully accepting myself when I’m always after the next, improved version of myself.
In the same vein, feedback is hard because it sits at the intersection of two profoundly human needs: the need to grow and improve, and the need to be accepted exactly the way we are. And ambition is, technically, nothing but constant, assertive feedback to ourselves.
A successful American businessman is on vacation in a small coastal village in Mexico and meets the best fisherman in the area. They start chatting and the CEO discovers the fisherman only works 2h per day and spends most of his time hanging out with friends and family. He is puzzled by that and tries to convince him to stay out to fish longer (aka increase his productivity and output). So that, in time, he’d be able to buy a bigger boat, employ other fishermen, move to the big city and grow an “empire” and make millions. The fisherman asks “What’s next?” After achieving all that, they both discover the answer is to retire, move to a small village, work 2h a day and spend plenty of time with family and friends.
What an interesting dichotomy.
I often find answers and joy in Alain de Botton’s beautiful writing. He is the founder and chairman of The School of Life. Some of his work I found particularly eye-opening includeReligion for Atheists and a little chapbook calledWhy You Will Marry the Wrong Person. He writes about delicate, important topics such as being loved when we were children, emotional intelligence, and spirituality in the modern age - it often speaks right to my heart (and mind).
So, to make sense of this dichotomy, I called on his work. Many of the thoughts below are inspired by his writing or belong to him.
High ambition & perpetual hustle
The language here is along the lines of:
Don’t stop when you’re tired, stop when you’re done
Fake it ‘til you make it.
Stand out at all cost. No pain no gain, if you’re not struggling you’re doing it wrong.
Put your best foot forward. Be your absolute best self.
“No one can doubt what we owe to the high-achievers. They are the ones who build the skyscrapers, who explore distant planets, who drive the stock market to new heights, who start businesses and write films and books. We would all be the poorer without them. It might seem – at first glance – as though the people we term high-achievers could not possibly have any relationship to self-hatred: they are the ones who did exceptionally well in exams, whom the teachers admired, who won places at the best universities, who graduated with honours, who got into law and medical schools, who founded thriving businesses, who live in the wealthiest parts of town, who are up early in the morning preparing themselves healthy breakfasts before a day of important meetings.” (A. de Botton)
Yet, the truth is, for ambitious people, being yourself and simply being, outside of acclaims, accolades and constant doing, is challenging. And it’s becoming increasingly so in the age of non-stop hustling, of extreme productivity (listening to podcasts on 2.5x anyone?) and of the always-on-never-off culture (which I vehemently reject and practice strict boundaries between being “on” and being “off”).
Image generated with DALL-E.
Alain points out that, if we trace back, there’s a red thread emerging: the wealth of nations is built upon the troubles of the individual psyche. The high-achievers have often been driven to act not simply from talent or creativity, energy and skill (though these are no doubt present as well), but from a sense that they aren’t worthy in their basic state, and that they must hence compensate with good measures of success and validation.
It may seem that money, power, acclaim and distinction are merely substitutes for an underlying need: a sense of acceptance and adequacy. This may explain the “emptiness” that accompanies some high achievers in their moments of greatest triumph. Even after they have sold the company, won an international prize or ranked in a prestigious top - they still feel hollow, and wonder what’s next.
Alain argues that the silver lining of failing or stumbling (an economic downturn, bankruptcy, scandals, a pandemic) is that it may trigger a period of rest and reflection, a chance to reimagine and reconsider the trajectory of our lives. An “opportunity to acknowledge that one has been playing the wrong game all along – and that the true problem never had anything to do with a lack of prizes, and everything to do with a burning conviction that one might need so many of them.”
Low ambition and high self-acceptance
The language here is along the lines of:
There’s a day tomorrow, too.
You are good enough. Be yourself.
Love yourself, you are perfect just the way you are.
You may have not succeeded, but you tried and that’s all that matters.
In our early days and months as babies, most of us are placed at the very centre of our parents’ universe. We are – for a time – the one everything else revolves around. When we are hungry, we’re “served” quickly. When we manage our first smile, or figure out our hands are our hands, everyone is amazed. We’re perfect just the way we are.
Photo by Alexander Grey.
There is a lot of value, reassurance and comfort in being accepted, and accepting yourself just the way you are. It is, presumably, the healthy way to be. Yet if maintained through adulthood, a sense of unfiltered self-acceptance can result in lethargic adults, who are always doing just what’s needed to get by, are prone to procrastination and never strive to self-improve. You generally know you’re here if you’re never criticized (by yourself or others). “Good enough Anne” is passive and static.
There are surely many asterisks and exceptions to this. But.
Pushing yourself to get better at a difficult skill, building something that implies taking risks (but also high rewards), hard workouts at the gym, creative pursuits that push our limits, all of these and many others expand our experiences, make our lives richer, bring us fulfillment, and other things placed at the very top of Maslow’s pyramid of needs.
To me, contrary to what Alain’s writing quoted in the previous section might imply, there’s a lot of self-loathing in this camp, too. The leisurely life of “good enough Anne” isn’t always fun because it can feel unearned and filled with guilt and anxiety.
What would life look like if I found some semblance of “balance” between the two?
Or is there, always, a negative correlation between ambition and self-worth? Perhaps this is an overly simplified dichotomy - real humans are never that simple.
We can argue that there’s a large difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. The difference between hustling to create a positive impact in the world vs. purely chasing status, power, money. Yet, working with type As for about a decade and a half now, I can’t help but agree with Alain in that, oftentimes, the otherworldly effort and dedication required by entrepreneurship, ambitious creative and innovative pursuits are often only justified by a lack of acceptance for who we already are, and a need for validation.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao.
In physics, balance is a temporary state by definition. It’s not meant to be the default mode. Seen this way, looking for balance is nothing but yet another reason to be overly hard on ourselves. However, that realization shouldn’t prevent us from trying to “infuse” more acceptance into our daily lives.
Having a tad of both would perhaps be when:
I acknowledge that liking, loving, accepting myself reliably is challenging and easy to lapse from. When I know full well that, in some ways, I’m an idiot. But from certain angles at least, an idiot of a lovable sort.
I know that friendships are kind and humour-filled celebrations of our common quirkiness, disappointments and failures, and I cultivate good ones and resort to them as needed.
I believe that results and achievements matter, but input does, too. Being ok with feeling tired and indulging myself after a day/week/month when I tried real’ hard, but failed or didn’t quite reach the goal(s). Failure is a feature of life, not a bug.
I see my faults, clear-eyed, and I’m not inordinately pleased with myself, but I also have patience and speak to myself in ways I would to a friend or someone new on my team (this is harder than you’d think).
I reassure my other terribly-hard-on-themselves, wildly successful friends that they are fully worthy of love and everything good in the world.
And finally, in Alain’s words, the awareness of how much time we lost to the question “are we ever good enough?” would help us remember those times when we were free of worryand could engage with our work and with our friends, with nature and with culture in deeper, meaningful ways.
I, for one, am particularly grateful for those days when I wake up excited, free of doubt, and trusting that I am deserving and good enough to continue to build, succeed, love, savour and contribute a whole array of hopefully good things to the world.
...that fisherman story is awesome, had never heard that before...as a self struggler this article was a great resonant read...really trying to embrace my moments so i can embrace myself and my work not from a space of have to, want to or need to, but rather a place of i can and i will because i choose to...
...that fisherman story is awesome, had never heard that before...as a self struggler this article was a great resonant read...really trying to embrace my moments so i can embrace myself and my work not from a space of have to, want to or need to, but rather a place of i can and i will because i choose to...
Thank you very much for writing this 🤗